Red Dye
by nightday4647
Summary: Fill for a prompt on the Iwatobi Swim Club Kink meme. Nagisa is suffering from depression and hiding it from everyone. With little else to turn to, self harm becomes his escape. Heavy trigger warnings for self harm.
1. Chapter 1

**This is a fill from the Iwatobi Swim Club Kink Meme on dreamwidth.**

**Prompt: ****I just want Nagisa sad and hiding it from everyone. I want him to fall into self harm and hide it under his swim suit. Worried that it might ride up while swimming and expose him. **

**There are heavy triggers for self harm as well as graphic depictions.**

**I do not own Free! or it's characters. **

* * *

_Calm down Nagisa._

He stumbled into his room, thankful that his house appeared to be empty.

_Almost there. Just breathe._

He could feel his hands start to shake with nervous excitement. The promise of relief just a few feet away.

_Just a little further._

He frantically leafed through his drawers, searching for a small box hidden amongst the clothes. Kind of an obvious place if anyone came snooping, but he didn't much care at this point. He just needed it easily accessible and ready for him if he needs it.

Well it's more when than if at this point.

He popped the lid off of the box, almost crying for joy when he saw the tiny razor blade that he had taken from a pencil sharpener a few weeks ago. Just feeling the tiny weight in his hand as he picked it up make him let out a heady sigh of relief. It felt like no more than a feather, but it calmed his frayed nerves all the same.

He almost felt scared when he realized that he was about to take this razor to his skin without taking the time to disinfect anything, but it was a fleeting thought, easily overpowered by excitement as he pulled off his clothes and the damp swimming shorts underneath.

_I'm running out of room,_ he thought with dismay as he looked at his mutilated thighs. His swimsuit was already threatening to ride up and expose the myriad of cuts and scars that littered his pale flesh, but he figured that a few just a bit lower wouldn't hurt anyone. If worse came to worse he could always start wearing the long ones like Makoto wears.

He ended his inner ramblings and placed the blade to his skin, letting out a high pitched whine as he dragged it hard and slow across his skin. He watched the blood bloom across his pale skin before his eyes screwed shut at the sharp but oh so familiar pain that came with the entrancing streams of red running down his legs.

He lost himself in it. One cut became two which then grew to 10 which then grew to 20 brand new, heavily bleeding cuts marring his once blemish free flesh. He sighed in relief as his jitters subsided, as the need to just _hurt_ faded away and the harsh, painful tang of guilt and sorrow rushed through his veins to replace the blood currently pooling against his hardwood floor.

He knew he needed to stop the bleeding.

He knew he needed to disinfect his wounds before even the threat of infection set in.

He knew he needed to clean up the mess before he had hard to explain bloodstains littering his floor.

He _knew _he needed to do all of those things, but he could only sink to the floor, his razor falling out of his limp hand as he curled into a little ball.

And sobbed…

And sobbed…

And _sobbed…_

* * *

"Nagisa-kun! Oi Nagisa-kun!"

Nagisa turned his face away from his friend for a minute schooling his face into the same bubbly expression that the blue haired male was used to seeing. "What is it Rei-chan?"

"You just usually pounce on me when I get on the train. I was wondering if something was wrong."

A somewhat nervous laugh bubbled up out of the blonde's throat. "Sorry Rei-chan. I was just brooding about that math test we have today and didn't realize you had gotten on." His smile turned a bit mischievous. "Why? Did you want me to jump you or something?"

"Don't be stupid," Rei grumbled. "And anyway why are you nervous about a test? You've never seemed to care before."

Nagisa's eyes narrowed in annoyance. Why couldn't Rei just let it go and leave him alone? It wasn't like it was any of his business anyway. However, he didn't let his smile falter, even though the pain of keeping up appearances was eating him alive.

_Ne, I haven't even gotten to school yet and I already need a cut. That's pretty pathetic._

* * *

Nagisa managed to get out of class early to change into his swimsuit before practice. Though Rei's stares had followed him the entire time. Panic made him stumble on his way to the bathroom when he considered the possibility of his friends discovering his secret. He could see their sneering glares and the way their lips would curl up in disgust as they laughed at his cuts. His scars. _His pain_. A few weeks ago he would have never even considered the possibility of the ever caring Mako or stoic Haru looking at him with contempt, but that was before he realized to what a pathetic leech he was. Always clinging to and bothering his friends. His shrill voice grating to even his own ears. They must be staying with him out of pity.

He crashed into the boy's bathroom reaching into his bag to pull out a pen. It was a ballpoint so it wasn't very sharp, but it got the job done as he pushed it in hard and dragged it across the skin of his forearm. It was more painful than the quick kiss of a razor and the damage wasn't as visible, but it left a comforting red line on his pale flesh and the burn continued as he went into a stall to put on a his swim suit.

Normally he would change with the rest of the guys (excluding Haruka) and just position himself in such a way near the corner of the room so that his cuts were nearly impossible to see unless you were looking for them, but with Rei breathing down his neck, he didn't want to risk it. Besides he had to make sure that his swimsuit covered up his destruction from last night.

He stripped off his pants and boxers, gazing at his legs with a mixture of guilt, disgust, and fascination. He really did some damage last night. Some of the wounds had opened just a bit and had littered the inside of his pants with little pinpricks of red. The entire area felt raw as he slipped on the spandex, wincing as it clung to his legs in the most painful way. With a quick check to make sure that everything was hidden, he walked out of his stall only to bump right into the person he was trying to avoid the most. "Rei-chan!"

"Why did you leave class early Nagisa-kun?"

"Ah well you see… I just…" His heart raced as he tried to dig through his frazzled mind for a believable excuse.

Panic.

"The lunch today didn't agree with me is all… I..I-I wasn't feeling good?"

Despair.

He inwardly cursed as his voice had the inflection of a question at the end, making Rei raise his eyebrows in a suspicious manner.

The blue haired male crossed his arms. "Is that so?"

Using what little will he had left, Nagisa pushed most of the panic to the back of his mind and gave his usual winning smile to his friend. "Yep! Is Rei-chan worried about me?" He stumbled back against the wall dramatically. "Do you want to carry me to the nurse's office?"

Rei wasn't deterred in the least bit by the blonde's act. "You know you could've just told me you put your swimsuit on in here. I heard you jostling around."

The panic that he had managed to suppress came back with a vengeance with those words. He felt his heart sink low into his stomach and nausea turn his insides into a painful ball of mush.

_ . . . !_

He braced himself for the words that he had been telling himself for the past few weeks.

_Weak._

_Pathetic._

_Worthless_

But Rei just shook his head and tossled the blonde's soft hair. "Idiot. If you're embarrassed to change in front of us then you could've just said something."

Nagisa smiled weakly up at that taller man. "Sorry. I just didn't want to bother you."

"Besides," Rei continued as the final bell rang and the two made their way towards the pool, "we're all guys anyway so it's not like there's a reason to be embarrassed."

_Please, _Nagisa thought as he kept his fake smile firmly plastered on his face, _we both know with my girly frame and lack of muscles I could've walked into the girl's bathroom and no one would've questioned it._


	2. Chapter 2

They arrived at the pool a little bit later than the rest, but Gou was too busy yelling at Haru for jumping in the pool before giving him the training regimen of the day to notice. Makoto sat by the pool, his long legs kicking leisurely in the water. He looked towards Nagisa and Rei with the same brilliant smile he gave them every day, his eyes screwing up as he gave a light chuckle.

_He's laughing at me. Rei told him everything and now he's laughing. He thinks I'm weak. Thinks I'm pathetic. He's gonna pull down my swim suit so that Haru and Gou can laugh too I just know it. I need to leave. Oh god he's coming this way. I need to get out of here._

Nagisa's internal panic increased tenfold as Makoto clapped a hand down on his shoulder and looked toward where Gou was still yelling at Haruka to listen to her for once. Makoto laughed again, causing the blonde's blood to run as cold as ice through his veins.

_Calm down Nagisa. You are is Mako-chan. He's probably just laughing at Gou or something._

But the flighty panic didn't leave. He needed to go home. He needed to get away from all of these people.

He needed to cut.

"Ne Nagisa, Do you think I should tell Gou that it's a lost cause?" Makoto said, nudging his shoulder.

_See Nagisa, Makoto was laughing at them not you. Just breathe._

But the need to cut was still an almost tangible thing in his mind. He knew how to deal with the pressure that was filling his body, making him feel like he might burst, but that would just prove to himself all the things his mind told him.

_Pathetic._

_Worthless._

He couldn't even deal with his problems like everyone else. Everyone on this earth probably had it worse than him, and yet he blew his own out of proportion. He had to cut to get through problems that everyone else wouldn't even worry about.

"Mako-chan… I hate to skip out on practice, but I really need to go home," Nagisa said, head hung low.

The older male's face turned from amused to concerned. "Of course Nagisa, but why?"

"I…just not feeling too hot. Today's lunch didn't agree with me." The blonde put on his best smile. "I'll practice extra hard tomorrow. Thanks Mako-chan!" He ran off, feeling more and more relieved with every step he took.

* * *

"I wonder what's wrong with Nagisa?" Makoto mused to himself.

"Don't know," Rei replied. "He's been looking under the weather all day though. Maybe he is really sick."

There was a splash of water as Haruka pulled himself out of the pool in one smooth movement. "Nagisa isn't swimming today?" he said with a slightly darker tone, as though he took personal offense.

"He said he wasn't feeling well."

Haruka thought on that for a minute. "He hasn't really looked the same for the past few weeks. Maybe something is bothering him."

"Eh? I haven't noticed," Makoto said. But in all honesty, he had noticed just a bit. It was in the way his face would fall when he didn't think anyone was looking or in the way he would sigh low under his breath. He hadn't thought much of it because Nagisa was always so bubbly and energetic, but maybe Haru was right.

"You should go talk to him after practice," Haruka said.

"Why don't you do it?" Makoto replied.

Haruka turned around to jump back into the pool. "That's too much work."

Makoto sighed before turning to join his childhood friend in the pool. "Fair enough," he said exasperated, but he decided to visit Nagisa regardless.

* * *

"I'm home!" Nagisa yelled looking around his small abode. "Is anyone else here?" He went from room to room searching for signs of his family before he stopped in the kitchen, eyeing the note hanging on the fridge.

"Your father and I went out to have dinner with your aunt. I left last night's leftovers in the fridge. Just throw it in the microwave and we'll be back before long. –Love Mom."

"Thank goodness," Nagisa mumbled aloud before running to the bathroom and grabbing several towels and the rubbing alcohol. He took the supplies to his room and sat down on his bed, grabbing a marker off of his bedside table. He peeled the shorts of his swimsuit up both of his legs a bit and marked a line on his thighs with the marker.

_Can't go past this line,_ he thought, _otherwise everyone will be able to see._

He jumped up and ran over to his dresser, digging through his clothes to find his box. Hurriedly, he stripped off his shorts and spread out one of the towels on the floor. He grabbed the rubbing alcohol and soaked part of a towel with it before wiping off his blade and his legs to prevent infection. Just this action alone took the edge off his panic. It had become something of a comforting ritual over the past few weeks and it brought the promise of relief with it.

He felt less jumpy now as he gripped his razor and dragged it quick as a whip across his skin, sighing as the biting sting made endorphins rush into his bloodstream. It felt more like the blade was slicing through all his tension and stress than his skin and he brought the sharp tip to his skin over and over again, sometimes slow and hard to feel the pain rush through his body and make his fingers and toes tingle and sometimes quick and light to help quell the giddy urge to just _move. _He could almost see the emptiness and sorrow leave his body with each labored breath and he giggled at the ridiculous thought. After being strung up so tight for the majority of the day, the relief was staggering and he slumped down onto the floor, watching his blood pool on the towel before placing another cut on his blood smeared skin. He felt calm. He felt relieved.

He felt _alive. _

A low whine left his throat when he realized that he had run out of room above the lines he had previously drawn. He didn't want to stop, but he sure didn't want his friends seeing the marks and asking questions. He placed the blade on his calf and cut a small line at an odd angle. Deciding it looked enough like a normal scratch that one might get when falling, he placed a few more shallow lines on various parts of his body. He admired his handiwork while leaning back against his bed watching the blood flow freely from his legs and making no move to stop it. He was just swimming in blood loss related bliss.

*KnockKnockKnock*

_Huh?_

*KnockKnockKnock*

His blood ran cold as he recognized the sound of someone knocking at his front door. He was frozen at his spot on the floor as the knocking continued. What really made his heart rate skyrocket though was a concerned sounding voice, muffled by the door between them.

"Nagisa? Have you arrived home yet? It's me, Makoto!"

Not really one to swear, Nagisa had no problem letting the volley of profane language leave his lips as he stood up and paced around his room. He really did not want to open that door, but not opening it would only bring about questions that he didn't have the energy of finding excuses to. Feeling like a cornered animal, the blonde quickly picked up two of the spare towels off of his bed and wrapped them around his waist to make sure no blood seeped through. He ran out of his room and closed the door to make sure Makoto couldn't see the bloodbath that lied within. Plastering a smile on his face, he threw open his front door and stared Makoto right in the face.

"Ah sorry about the wait Mako-chan, I was about to get in the shower and I had a problem finding a towel. What can I do ya for?"

"Ah I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay. I wanted to see if you needed me to run to the store for nausea medication or anything like that."

"Thanks Mako-chan, but we had some handy at the house and I've taken it and feel much better. I appreciate the concern though."

"Are you sure though? Haru-chan said you've been looking a little blue for the past few weeks. If there's anything you want to talk about, you know me and the other guys are here for you right?" The concerned look in Makoto's eyes made Nagisa want to vomit with guilt.

"There's nothing wrong Mako-chan. I'm just a little concerned with my grades, but nothing Rei-chan can't help me with if they start falling too bad," Nagisa paused for a bit before continuing. "Listen, I would love more than anything to stay and chat with you, but I really need to shower. As soon as my parents get back we're going out to eat with my aunt so I need to get ready. I'm sorry."

"Ah don't worry about it," Makoto replied with a smile. "I'll see you tomorrow yeah? I'm glad you're feeling better."

"Thanks again, Mako-chan," Nagisa said before slamming the door in Makoto's face.

The brunette walked away feeling as though what Nagisa said wasn't quite truthful. He had looked happy enough, but his smile looked a bit less genuine than usual and his eyes had held the look of a caged animal. He didn't like the fact that his friend might be keeping secrets from him, but it really wasn't in his place to pry. Deciding that he'd talk with Haruka about it tomorrow, he started to make his way home.

He really wouldn't be so concerned about it and would've passed his friend's mood off as bad grades or something, but…

He was almost positive that he smelled the sharp bite of rubbing alcohol and the tang of iron emanating from his blonde companion.

Just what was Nagisa hiding?

* * *

**Ah thank you guys so much for the positive feedback! Reading your reviews makes my day! Keep em coming! ^_^**


	3. Chapter 3

**Ah sorry for staying away for so long and sorry this chapter is so short. I was having some real life stuff to deal with and it was hard to find time to write. I figured I'd go ahead and publish this despite it's pathetic length. This'll probably be the second to last chapter I'm afraid. I hope to finish this up by next week. Thank you for all of your reviews. It really means a lot! **

* * *

Nagisa realized he had made a mistake almost as soon as he stepped into his school building.

He had forgotten his swimsuit.

Normally this wouldn't be a problem and he would just tell the guys what's up and go home, but with what happened with Makoto yesterday, he knew it would just raise more questions. He grabbed his hair and pulled as hard as he could, hoping the pain could help clear his frantic mind for a minute. "Dammnit," he cursed low under his breath.

"Nagisa-kun? What's wrong?" a concerned voice spoke behind him. Rei stepped his front of his friend in the middle of the crowded hallway and leveled him with a steady gaze, demanding answers.

"Ah, Rei-chan it's just awful! I left my house this morning without grabbing my swimsuit! And after I promised Mako-chan that I would practice extra hard today! I'm an awful swim club member!" Nagisa whined, clutching to his friend. He prayed that his bubbly act had no holes and that his friends' worry for him would gradually fade over time.

Nagisa almost leapt for joy when Rei pushed his glasses further up his face and shook his head before fixing the blonde with a small smile. "Honestly," he muttered. "I'll let you borrow one of my suits so quit clinging to me."

"Yay! Thank you so much Rei-chan! I'll love you forever!" Nagisa screeched before skipping off to class, feeling a little bit calmer now that Rei didn't seem so suspicious.

Classes went much more smoothly than the previous day and Nagisa found it much easier to be his usual chipper self. The knot of uncomfortable emptiness that had set up home in the pit of his stomach was still there, but he felt much less flighty since that incident with Rei that morning. He couldn't stand the thought of his friends worrying about him or prying him for information so Rei's dismissal drastically increased his mood. He was almost excited to actually get in the water today and he skipped the entire way to the pool, Rei trailing at his heels.

"Ah Nagisa!" Makoto greeted. "You seem to be feeling much better today. I'm glad"

"Me too! I hope you guys don't get whatever I had yesterday." the blonde flitted his gaze around the pool. "Huh? Where's Haru-chan?"

"Oh he's in the locker room right now. Rei came by during break and told me about how you forgot your swimsuit and he couldn't remember where he had put his spare so I sent Haru to look for it." Makoto paused, eyes sparkling as Haruka made his way to the pool area, holding a small yellow speedo.

"That was too much work," Haruka grumbled as he tossed the speedo to Nagisa. "Next time you're doing it."

Makoto just laughed softly. "Hopefully there won't be a next time." He sent a pointed look towards Nagisa.

Nagisa felt his heart sink as he looked at the offending garment. Sure he wore speedos all the time, but that was before, and now just the thought of putting it on made nausea bloom in his stomach and all the blood in his veins turn to ice water.

_What do I do?_

He continued to just stare, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. He looked up to see his teammates staring at him with various degrees of concern. Even ever stoic Haruka had a small worried frown furrowing his brow. His normal flightiness evolved into full blown terror and panic at everyone's gaze fixed on him.

_What do I say?_

"Nagisa? What's wrong?"

Nagisa jumped at the sound of Makoto calling out his name. He began to tremble as he stood there unable to speak. Unable to _breathe. _

Rei's hand on his shoulder is what finally pulled him out of his daze. He smiled as bright as his mood would allow and laughed, brushing Rei's hand away. "Ah I'm sorry, I spaced out for a bit!" he said, his voice much higher than usual. "Actually I just remembered that I need to go home today. I have a dinner with my aunt! I'll see you guys tomorrow!" He yelled as he once again scampered away from his practice and his friends.

"Nagisa wait!" Makoto yelled. But his cries fell on deaf ears as Nagisa continued to run further away.

"What is up with him? Rei asked.

Haruka picked up the discarded speedo before walking over to join his friends. "Makoto," he barked out. "You saw him last night."

"Yeah," Makoto replied, still staring in the direction his friend had ran.

"Well, was there anything wrong with him?"

"Uh, he was acting a bit strange. He greeted the door in a towel, but he just assured me he was fine before shutting the door in my face, something about having a dinner with his aunt to go to."

"Wait, wasn't that the excuse he just gave us," Rei interjected.

Makoto blinked slowly, his brain struggling to put the pieces together. "Yeah."

"Why was he wearing a towel?" Haruka asked, his fingers tightening on the speedo.

"Uh he said that he was hopping on the shower, but he didn't really smell like he needed a shower. Not that I expected him to stink or anything," he added quickly, "but he smelled sterile, like rubbing alcohol or something."

"Rubbing alcohol," Haruka repeated under his breath. "Like used to clean out cuts and wounds?"

"Cuts? Haru you can't honestly think-"

"It makes sense Makoto!" Haruka yelled, louder than Makoto or Rei had ever heard him though not quite as loud as a normal person. "Think about it, he's been different for weeks. More subdued. He hasn't worn anything shorter than jammers and he started panicking once he realized that he would be forced to wear a speedo today. And he's been lying. Don't you think that is a little bit suspicious?"

"But Nagisa just can't be a….a cutter," Makoto said, visibly paling. "I-I mean he's the happiest guy I know. I've never seen him upset." Makoto's head dropped. "He just can't be," he whispered.

"I'm not saying that he is, just that he could be." Haruka replied softly, placing his hand on Makoto's shoulder. "It won't hurt to find out."

"What should we do then? I mean we can't very well just ask him. Rei said, pushing up his glasses.

Makoto ran his fingers through his hair and sighed deeply. "I don't know. Why don't we just…corner him in the locker room tomorrow or something? If they are there, they'd be on his legs right? We'll just catch him changing."

"But what if he changes somewhere else? He changed in the bathroom a few days ago."

"Follow him into the bathroom," Haruka said to Rei. "Make sure that doesn't happen."

"That's like an invasion of privacy or something!"

"If we give Nagisa privacy, this'll just get worse and worse. Grow a pair Rei, and help your friend."

"Understood," Rei replied meekly.


End file.
